Monday, January 26, 2009

Unreal Reality TV

A few years ago, we are flipping through the channels and I see this show, and can't believe that it is actually on television. Flavor Flav and Brigitte Neilson. First, she is double his size and pasty white. He weighs about 80 pounds soaking wet with change in his pockets, had gold teeth, is blacker than black, is dressed like a pimp and has a clock around his neck that would make Big Ben weep. We stare in disbelief at the set, glued to it like a passerby is glued to the scene of a horrible train wreck....what are these people thinking?

Oh, trust me, it gets worse. Apparently that show was a success, and VH1 came out with a variety of "reality" shows a few months later. Every washed out, has been, wannabe celebrity is looking for love.... or something.

There was Flavor of Love, (seasons one, two and three), in which, the clock toting pimp-like character professed to be trying to find love with one woman each season after 10 episodes in which grown women with over-sized breast implants and clothing the size of band aids wrestled, ran, performed, and competed amongst each other for one chance at love with the gold toothed, clock toting, pimp-like "singer".

There were spin offs, of course. One scorned contestant from Flavor of Love, whose stage name was "New York" was so vile and disgusting during the filming that VH1 rewarded her with her own series. "I Love New York", where she spent two or three

seasons looking for love. Apparently after several tries, breast implants, lip implants, and a series of fake eyelashes which look like they could cut a sirloin steak in half, she was unable to find the man of her dreams and had one last "hail mary" series called "New York Goes to Hollywood".

Then, two rejects from the "I Love New York" show, (who just happened to be brothers), rejected by New York, got their own series. There names were "Real" and "Chance". But of course.

This show continues the concept that grown women will do ordinary everyday things like play volleyball, ride horses, and landscape wearing nothing but tight-fitting, dinner napkin sized clothing, stiletto hells, and two liters of eyeliner. How can you not watch? How can you not be riveted to the screen, wondering the entire time what process the human brain must go through in order to continue this behavior?

Oh, there were the Osbournes, but they pale in comparison. Actually, a couple of episodes into the show, and I was so annoyed by trying to translate everything Ozzy said, that I gave up. Besides, one member of the Osbourne family wore more clothes than the entire cast of any of the other shows.

Another big winner, "The Pickup Artist" (season 1 and 2). This is a show about a guy is so incredibly good at picking up women that he brought together the weirdest group of geeks possible so that he could attempt to teach them the fine art of picking up women. C'mon, the guy's name is "Mystery". He wears black nail polish, a big fuzzy black hat and has loads of facial piercings.....

Along comes the forgotten, aging rock legend of Poison fame, trying to pick up his game, and I suppose a little cash. Bret Michaels did two seasons of "Rock of Love" where he is supposedly looking for the love of his life amidst gartter belts, corsets, pancake makeup, Frederick's of Hollywood fantasy outfits, and silicone. These girls try to put the hurt on the Flavor of Love contestants with their costumes and total lack of knowledge of the English language.

To top it off, Bret Michaels has to be the worst actor EVER! I would be totally impressed if he managed a three syllable word or a complete sentence. The guy had a bad case of thinning hair and a receding hairline when he left Poison ten years ago, comes back on this show with a full head of Sally Beauty Supply golden locks, always carefully hidden away under either a bandana or a cowboy hat. The man walks like he has a load in his pants all the time and attempts to have the batch of hooker rock star groupies perform various activities with as little clothing as possible.

Last summer when we were in Indianapolis, we were on I-70 one day and happened to see a "Rock of Love" brightly painted tour bus passing by. We thought nothing of it until a few weeks ago when, after poor Bret tried to find the love of his life without success, he opened a new show called "Rock of Love Bus Tour". The premise of this show is that Bret can only find his one true love if she is someone who can "rock out" with him when he is "on tour". These vixens follow Bret around on his concer tour and learn how grueling it is to be on the road.

Ok, first, this "tour" is an absolute joke. The rooms this guy is playing are about the size of the San Pedro High School auditorium, and he's playing the big cities like Indianapolis and Louisville. Need I go on?

The castoffs from Flavor Flav and I Love New York get a second chance at fame, when they compete against other losers in another VH1 show called "I Love Money", (seasons one and two, because you just can't get enough of these idiots in one season). They do a variety of competitions for a chance of winning a whopping $25,000.00.

The rejects from "Rock of Love", seasons one and two get to go to "Rock of Love Charm School", which is hosted by none other than Sharon Osbourne. Since she did such an outstanding job making the rest of her family charming, is it any wonder why they chose her?

I have no idea what it is that draws me to these mundane, idiotic, over the top shows, but the absolute ridiculousness of them amazes me. I'll keep tuning in to see what daring adventure these ex-porn stars are up to each week. Maybe they'll compete to see who can put the alphabet in order.

What, you might ask, ever possessed me to write about this idiotic display of human conduct? Last night's episode of "Rock of Love Tour Bus". My favorite line yet in all of the shows. The "girls" were directed to tear down band equipment on stage while dressed as if they were attending a party at the Playboy mansion. One of them, dressed in what resembled a bikini styled after the "French Maid" costume, fell off the stage.....yep, about 6 feet down.

When she later complained to her "team" that she was injured, one of the other contestants looked at her and said, "Bret Michaels is a rock star. If you are going to be with a rock star, you better learn how to fall off a stage, bitch!"

I got out of bed to write that gem down so I wouldn't forget it. I'm still chuckling over that one.


Karisse said...

Rock of Love is a train wreck, but I am ashamed to say I can't change the channel when it comes on. What will those crazy skanks do next?

tacogirl said...

too funny